Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Is it to be, or not to be?

I have that nagging feeling again. It's a inner war going on between my head and my heart. Let me give you a little insight.

When I was pregnant with Miss L, I swore she was going to be an only child. Pregnancy and I are not friends. I am the extremely grouchy pregnant lady no one wants to be around. Three months after having her, I was still semi-breastfeeding and not on any type of birth control. At that time I opted for the shot. So I called my Dr's office to get the script, and I also requested to have a blood pregnancy test just to be safe before starting the shot. I went, had the test and called to get the results. "Positive." I flipped out and was hysterically crying on the phone. The receptionist transferred me to the nurse. I had started spotting that afternoon, and this baby, who was not even a twinkle in my eye, was now in danger. Or so I thought. Two weeks later, I went in for my first appointment. The sweet nurse who I talked to earlier, took me into a room and explained that some how the results got mixed up and I was not pregnant. For two weeks I had been on an emotional roller coaster. I completely weaned my daughter and tried to fathom having a 13 month old and a newborn. I did not want to know what people would think of me. I mean how stupid could I be. I spent two weeks getting excited about having another baby, because really what else could I do. So when the nurse gave me this news, I felt relief. I also called Mr. B at work. He told me he was disappointed, and I knew exactly what he meant. I did not want to admit it to myself until he said it, I was disappointed too. We decided it was not a good time for another baby, and I began an assortment of birth controls that threw my body way out of wack. Apparently things don't work the same after you have a baby.

Miss L's first birthday rolled around, and it was as if I switch flipped in me. I was yearning for another baby. I don't know what it is about first birthdays, they are so bitter sweet for me. I am not sure that we decided to have another baby at this time. But we did take the same approach as we did when I got pregnant with Miss L, "If it happens, it happens." Not so much trying, but not preventing. By the end of July, I was pregnant with little s.

I was back to being the grouchy pregnant lady swearing never again. But guess what little s turned 1 in April. I began to have the exact same feelings, but with a little twist. My heart is yearning, but my head is yelling, "Are you crazy?" I have kept this feeling so bottled up for a couple of moths since she turned 1. But lately, I keep dropping subtle and not so subtle hits to Mr. B. He is the one who truly needs the convincing.

There are other issues that would have to be working out if we had another. Issues I do not even want to deal with like we will need a bigger car, bigger house, and is it even possible for me to continue working. Right now, none of this even seems important when your heart is wanting another baby.

For now, we are waiting. I think we have agreed to wait until October, and then revisit the issue. But that seems years away. I know that what is meant to be will happen, and I must leave it at that. So for now, we will continue to prevent, and hopefully by October Mr. B will be on the same page as me. At least that is what I am praying for.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. It's better than keeping it all bottled up.


This Mom said...

OH boy do I soo know what you are going though. Trust your heart. I never thought I would know what that meant. But I found that the nagging you are feeling will help you get to where you are ment to be. Patience is not a strong suit for me. So I Understand not wanting to wait til October. good luck.

Leiann said...

I too have felt that nagging. Your story sounds alot like mine. With the second we weren't preventing and if it happened it happened, but that was when my first was 6 months old. Yes I am crazy. And I started having that feeling when my second was 10 months old, but my head wouldn't go for it, but the good Lord decided to do other and I got pregnant. Man that was hard to get used to, but I can't imagine life without her!